The ache is back.... but i got to overcome it somehow.

Sunday was suppose to be a relaxing and stressfree day for most ppl, well it was for me when i just woke up in the afternoon. Logged on to the net and updated my blog. After updating my blog i received an sms from her, i was kinda shocked cos i've alrdy told myself theres no more chance for us to talk anymore. Well she told me in the sms to read her blog which is the last 1 she blogged for me.
After reading it, it brought back many many beautiful memories. But like i said they were only memories, they can only bring u a short period of smile on ur face, but to me its more than enough. Chatted with her on MSN too b4 i went for my jog, during the conversation, she was telling me abt the swell on her face, a sudden pang of guilt rushed into me at that point of time. Whats worse, she told me that the doc said that this slap could actually affect her hearing problems, wow just imagine how i felt right after i read this.... i told her if her hearing is really affected i wouldnt forgive myself for life, i might even make both my ears deaf as to make up for her. During our conversation, i suddenly remembered abt my roller blades so i tried to make an arrangement with her to take it back cos the floowing week i will want to go blading myself. I was trying to decide if i shld see her that evening to get the blades or not cos i have an appointment with 1 of my online gaming friend. That friend of mine actually wanted to ask me out cos she didnt want me to feel that i'm alone during this hard time, really appreciate that.
Well during my jog at TPY stadium, it was a hard struggle to make the decision. I was afraid to meet Gin cos I'm afraid i might lose my mind once again, but i very much wanted to see her, it was a tough fight in my mind which finally made me decide to meet her. Cos i very much wanted to see her again. I jogged home from the stadium and rest for awhile b4 logging in MSN again to tell her. Made an appointment with her to get my blades back. I was so happy she agreed.
Finally when she arrived, i told myself to control my emotions and i rushed down to meet her. Took my blades from her, i looked at her in the dark. I saw the scar, well the funny thing is hers is on top of her face while mine is below lol. I finally asked her for a last hug b4 we end this relation once and for all. I didnt wana let go when i hugged her, i suddenly noticed it has been a long time since i hugged her, i've let her down, it was really my fault for causing her to have an affair, i shld have paid more attention to her. but whats past is past no point looking back now.
Went to bed real early yesterday, was flipping in bed whole mind filled with thoughts of her during our past 3 yrs together, and i know it myself i'm not used to not having her around me, to nag, to lecture at me, to make fun of me, to laugh at my silly faces, to eat together with me, to be my bolster when we slp. All this now is gone, i wonder how long it'll take me to get used to my life now.
I miss her, i really do. But I dont know how to face her fo i have let her down again and again, and all i can do now is to silently support her in the dark. Wish me luck.